It’s not something I’m proud of but, if I had to be perfectly honest, I would say I’ve battled anxiety my entire life. From the first day of school when I worried the kids and the teacher wouldn’t like me, to resent job interviews when I worried that I didn’t come across in the right way, anxiety and worry has always been with me. I’ve had a few adrenaline induced panic attacks where I swore I was having a heart attack, and a few sleepless night spent ruminating about the day’s events. I did therapy for a while, I have some prescription pills in case I get in a tough spot, but nothing seemed to help. It was like someone high jacked my mind and all I could think of were the horrors of the “what if”. That is until I prayed one night. It’s not like I heard a strange voice from a far and knew that God was speaking to me. It was more like I had an unusual thought that my mind wouldn’t normally think of, and I knew that I should listen to it.
This thought that allowed me to finally put my mind in check was very simple. I realized that when I let my fears and anxiety get the best of me the devil is just playing me. Now I know that it’s not exactly politically correct to go around blaming the devil for things. Before you write me off as just another crazy person with a blog, hear me out. Most religions believe in a negative force that people battle like Satan, Shiva, Hades or even your own self-made bad Karma. I believe spirituality has both positive and negative forces no matter what religion you follow, or your personal beliefs. For the purpose of this blog I will refer to that negative force as the devil.
So when I thought about my fears and anxiety I realized that it was destroying me. I, myself, was rather self-destructive and imprisoning my mind in an endless sea of “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been happier if’s” that stole my joy and made me very unhappy. I was dieting like a lunatic and relying on pills to quiet my mind enough so I could sleep. And then a funny thing happened. I realized I have full control over my thoughts and when I get myself get all worked up over nothing the devil wins. I like to think of myself as a strong confident woman. To realize, I just allowed myself to be manipulated so easily and robbed of happiness, self-esteem and all my self-efficacy by the cruelties of my own psyche was appalling. I truly became my own worst enemy without even realizing it. Now, when a negative thought enters my mind I dismiss it immediately. It was a long road learning how to filter and control my thoughts but it was worth it.